fuck xanga. fuck the comments. and fuck all the entries.
is it wrong that i don't want to even read about it anymore? i want to through my journal out the window.... i don't want to see how much i wanted this. i want to forget it, and to not have to admit to anyone that ive disappointed myself and failed at one of the things that meant the most to me.
i dont even want to play. i dont want to touch the music, im bitterly ignoring it. almost as if IT betrayed ME.
it's for sure now. couldnt accept the audition. and i feel sick.
i fucked up. and i knew i did. walking out those doors i felt the weight on my shoulders. my worst nightmare became a reality... and everything that couldve went wrong, did. and it hit me. and this wasn't just a bad performance for solo and ensemble... it wasn't the slip of a finger during a recital... it was my fucking audition. MY CHANCE. and i still remember my hands shaking on the keys...and i still can't believe that i let the nerves get a hold of me. because once they grab, they dont let go.
...and i ran back in the building. stopped the professor... and underneath my tears told him that i couldn't walk away knowing i didn't do my best.
but like that matters.
and they said i could audition again in april. but i won't. i don't want to put myself through that again. waiting, anticipating, disappointing. maybe, for once, i asked too much... maybe i WAS chasing the wrong star.
hit the ground hard this time. no one really saw it coming... kind of expected this to work out.
so, now. what am i?
well, im here. im at this fucking university. taking random classes... for some random major. im a hollow shell of information, and nothing here matters. im another meandering person filing into a lecture hall.
...and i let this get away.
i really don't know what to do next. i would go home right now if i could. lay on my bedroom floor...and pretend like everything i cared about was worth fighting for.
maybe in reality, it's not.
and these three months have killed me. ive worked so hard...placed a lot of hope in this - and it crumbled in my fingers. all the times i felt crazy, i was banking on the fact, that in the end, it would be worth it.
well, this is the end. and im just in a hole. back against the wall.
and, i don't want apologies. i just want to deal with this. i don't want any comments for this post... i just want to get it out.
and im thoroughly disappointed with myself. with the world. with everything that i placed trust in.
this is my lowest. nothing to blame this on but myself. im the only one to carry the guilt.
i wish i could get away from all of this. somehow forget all the hope i raised the past months. start over. not have to hear another person ask... "when will you find out?"
im numb. broken. hollow. everything i depended on crumbled.
so, maybe im not everything anyone thought i was. not such the talent. not as brave as everyone thought. somehow i feel ive let friends and family down too. as if my audition was the stepping out to do something i loved... and i failed. i FAILED.
i FAILED.
i guess ive never really dealt with that before. always been the perfect one, doing things right. maybe, learning to deal with life isn't just accepting the glory... maybe dealing with it's disappointment.
my dad would say that everything eventually works out. my mom would say that everything happens for a reason. and my family will still think im the best piano player theyve ever heard.
but, i can't pick which cliche to lean on. which ani difranco lyric to quote.
there isnt one for the girl who fucked up her 'time to shine.'
this is my lowest. which makes me too honest.
who knows whats next.
i miss reber. heath. my mom and dad. my dog.
and i don't care about my midterm tomorrow... or anything with school anymore. i don't know what im working for. i just need to get away from this campus. and closer to them.
i am broken.
is it wrong that i don't want to even read about it anymore? i want to through my journal out the window.... i don't want to see how much i wanted this. i want to forget it, and to not have to admit to anyone that ive disappointed myself and failed at one of the things that meant the most to me.
i dont even want to play. i dont want to touch the music, im bitterly ignoring it. almost as if IT betrayed ME.
it's for sure now. couldnt accept the audition. and i feel sick.
i fucked up. and i knew i did. walking out those doors i felt the weight on my shoulders. my worst nightmare became a reality... and everything that couldve went wrong, did. and it hit me. and this wasn't just a bad performance for solo and ensemble... it wasn't the slip of a finger during a recital... it was my fucking audition. MY CHANCE. and i still remember my hands shaking on the keys...and i still can't believe that i let the nerves get a hold of me. because once they grab, they dont let go.
...and i ran back in the building. stopped the professor... and underneath my tears told him that i couldn't walk away knowing i didn't do my best.
but like that matters.
and they said i could audition again in april. but i won't. i don't want to put myself through that again. waiting, anticipating, disappointing. maybe, for once, i asked too much... maybe i WAS chasing the wrong star.
hit the ground hard this time. no one really saw it coming... kind of expected this to work out.
so, now. what am i?
well, im here. im at this fucking university. taking random classes... for some random major. im a hollow shell of information, and nothing here matters. im another meandering person filing into a lecture hall.
...and i let this get away.
i really don't know what to do next. i would go home right now if i could. lay on my bedroom floor...and pretend like everything i cared about was worth fighting for.
maybe in reality, it's not.
and these three months have killed me. ive worked so hard...placed a lot of hope in this - and it crumbled in my fingers. all the times i felt crazy, i was banking on the fact, that in the end, it would be worth it.
well, this is the end. and im just in a hole. back against the wall.
and, i don't want apologies. i just want to deal with this. i don't want any comments for this post... i just want to get it out.
and im thoroughly disappointed with myself. with the world. with everything that i placed trust in.
this is my lowest. nothing to blame this on but myself. im the only one to carry the guilt.
i wish i could get away from all of this. somehow forget all the hope i raised the past months. start over. not have to hear another person ask... "when will you find out?"
im numb. broken. hollow. everything i depended on crumbled.
so, maybe im not everything anyone thought i was. not such the talent. not as brave as everyone thought. somehow i feel ive let friends and family down too. as if my audition was the stepping out to do something i loved... and i failed. i FAILED.
i FAILED.
i guess ive never really dealt with that before. always been the perfect one, doing things right. maybe, learning to deal with life isn't just accepting the glory... maybe dealing with it's disappointment.
my dad would say that everything eventually works out. my mom would say that everything happens for a reason. and my family will still think im the best piano player theyve ever heard.
but, i can't pick which cliche to lean on. which ani difranco lyric to quote.
there isnt one for the girl who fucked up her 'time to shine.'
this is my lowest. which makes me too honest.
who knows whats next.
i miss reber. heath. my mom and dad. my dog.
and i don't care about my midterm tomorrow... or anything with school anymore. i don't know what im working for. i just need to get away from this campus. and closer to them.
i am broken.
