everyone makes it sound so easy.
"of course you have to audition again."
and, damnit. i see myself making excuses to be happy... ignoring all of this. wishing for summer, for home...when i know neither of those things will make this better. no use running away.
to tell the truth, i don't know if i have the courage to do it all again. all of this feels like a huge bruise, and just the thought of a piano...the song...a scale... makes my stomach turn. puts me back in that room, feeling my hands tremble all over again....walking out of the building knowing i had let months of anticipation lead to nothing.
and now im disappointed, but what about in a few months... will i only regret not sucking it up and jumping back in the water?
argh. and im indecisive as it is.
all week ive tried to lay out other options. thinking back to haiti, the girls, the hell theyre probably going through...makes me sick. and i feel guilty for being such a baby about having TOO much opportunity - i have a university at my fingertips, and i claim my 'world is crumbling' because i can't find something that will make me the happiest. all the while, two little girls, who i would give the world, are trapped in a 'crumble' beyond anything i could understand.
and THEM. maybe this DID happen for a reason. maybe i need to reevaluate my motivations behind everything. the "real" i need may be something that i should give. thinking about haiti, i almost feel selfish with my ambitions...almost as if i allowed myself to forget the tears i cried from the airplane window.
i love piano. but what haiti showed me is what makes my stomach turn.
and which makes me more ambitious?
and in sociology, dr. pintar talked of all the kids in adoption in the US who never leave... spend years shifting from abusive homes, just developing tendencies to have a broken adulthood. and i cant ignore how bad that makes me feel. or discredit the connection it makes with what i felt in haiti.
...MAYBE. maybe. there are things i could work to change. follow another path.
save the world?
and i haven't really talked to anyone about this. because it just looks like a "disappointment backlash"... im upset about the audition, so im compromising for something else. and that's not so true...
im just allowing myself to believe that some things maybe really do happen for a reason.
no matter what, i'll always be a musician. i could never stop playing, and im sure it will forever be an active aspect of my life. but, i think back to my senior year of high school, why i decided not to audition then...
i wanted to keep it as my sanity. throwing the one true release i have out into full priority seemed to shadow it with a certain degree of stress. a gamble that i took. and im feeling the consequence now. i haven't played for a week... because, honestly, it HURTS.
maybe i was right then.
mom said whatever is out there for me has to be huge.
and i believe her.
im trying my hardest to follow my heart on this. ignore my inhibitions, my doubts, and subdue any anxiety.
and no matter what i do, i will be happy. im trying to breathe in these moments, knowing how beautiful i will think this is later. im pulling advice from every possible source. and, as the great casey diana once said "thinking small."
no matter what path... i promise myself full dedication, no looking back, and, most of all, no regrets.
and, deep breaths.
"of course you have to audition again."
and, damnit. i see myself making excuses to be happy... ignoring all of this. wishing for summer, for home...when i know neither of those things will make this better. no use running away.
to tell the truth, i don't know if i have the courage to do it all again. all of this feels like a huge bruise, and just the thought of a piano...the song...a scale... makes my stomach turn. puts me back in that room, feeling my hands tremble all over again....walking out of the building knowing i had let months of anticipation lead to nothing.
and now im disappointed, but what about in a few months... will i only regret not sucking it up and jumping back in the water?
argh. and im indecisive as it is.
all week ive tried to lay out other options. thinking back to haiti, the girls, the hell theyre probably going through...makes me sick. and i feel guilty for being such a baby about having TOO much opportunity - i have a university at my fingertips, and i claim my 'world is crumbling' because i can't find something that will make me the happiest. all the while, two little girls, who i would give the world, are trapped in a 'crumble' beyond anything i could understand.
and THEM. maybe this DID happen for a reason. maybe i need to reevaluate my motivations behind everything. the "real" i need may be something that i should give. thinking about haiti, i almost feel selfish with my ambitions...almost as if i allowed myself to forget the tears i cried from the airplane window.
i love piano. but what haiti showed me is what makes my stomach turn.
and which makes me more ambitious?
and in sociology, dr. pintar talked of all the kids in adoption in the US who never leave... spend years shifting from abusive homes, just developing tendencies to have a broken adulthood. and i cant ignore how bad that makes me feel. or discredit the connection it makes with what i felt in haiti.
...MAYBE. maybe. there are things i could work to change. follow another path.
save the world?
and i haven't really talked to anyone about this. because it just looks like a "disappointment backlash"... im upset about the audition, so im compromising for something else. and that's not so true...
im just allowing myself to believe that some things maybe really do happen for a reason.
no matter what, i'll always be a musician. i could never stop playing, and im sure it will forever be an active aspect of my life. but, i think back to my senior year of high school, why i decided not to audition then...
i wanted to keep it as my sanity. throwing the one true release i have out into full priority seemed to shadow it with a certain degree of stress. a gamble that i took. and im feeling the consequence now. i haven't played for a week... because, honestly, it HURTS.
maybe i was right then.
mom said whatever is out there for me has to be huge.
and i believe her.
im trying my hardest to follow my heart on this. ignore my inhibitions, my doubts, and subdue any anxiety.
and no matter what i do, i will be happy. im trying to breathe in these moments, knowing how beautiful i will think this is later. im pulling advice from every possible source. and, as the great casey diana once said "thinking small."
no matter what path... i promise myself full dedication, no looking back, and, most of all, no regrets.
and, deep breaths.
