its 5 am. im two classes away from spring break and too awake to fall asleep.

the only part of spring break im truly looking forward to is the drive home.

and how on the drive home sunday night, it'll be dark and i'll only pass semi-trucks on the interstate.

if i had it my way, i would drive until i was content. be constantly in between two places, and completely neutral. id be unsettled, the windows would be down, and i would be on a trip to somewhere. anywhere.

but, ill settle for taylorville today. my luxurious, tropical spring break. im going to party like an animal, be on girls gone wild, and have multiple lesbian encounters.

OK. maybe ill just make fun of my "songs of the whales" cd with heath, force brooklyn into her first steps, and watch a freakish amount of cheesy lifetime movies with my mom.

after all. ive already been on girls gone wild. TWICE.

GOD, im a liar.

i had my first experience at a bar with amanda tonight. at first i felt lame, being 19 for months without ever exercising my right to shaking ass on a sticky floor. however, my self proclaimed lameness slowly faded to shock of myself... realizing i keep taking these steps down this spiral. this was short lived, and quickly passed into "oh this is a good song, lets dance amanda."

back at snyder, amanda, jay, and i listened to some 4 at 5. (and damnit, why the HELL am i not auditioning again. I LOVE IT.) mixed some drinks. watched/made fun of coyote ugly.

the birds are chirping. how promising.

sigh, i love you.

ive developed the habit of running away from my problems. and every so often one catches up... usually on mondays.

i cant get around the fact that im struggling to find a purpose to why im here anymore. each class makes me more angry...each hour, lecture, each paper makes me want to run away screaming. this is just glorified high school to me now, and im finding it hard to motivate myself to "any great heights."

whaaaaaaaaaaaaatever.

im jealous of the girl with the sketch pad in math class, and the two girls always doing their theory homework. the theater majors who sit in front of me, talking about lighting and shows.... my friends who have internships this summer, reber and her success with the newspaper. seems like everyone else is blossoming...

and im, JUST. HERE.

and i think, maybe i just need home. maybe spring break will clear my head. better yet, maybe i just need the semester to be done. a good nap may be a remedy to all of it... or better yet, a good long run.

aaaaaaaaand, none of it ever works.

id rather just let this one knock me on my ass... and ill deal with the after effects later.

aaargh.

and i don't know. this isn't about music anymore. now, pretty much, i just want SOMETHING.

fulfillment. i mean, God, i want to be geniunely happy with every aspect of my life again. im tired of eeking my way through the week to get to the weekend, to get home, to get to reber, to heath. ACH. i want, for once, to be able to find happiness within myself. AGAIN.

im frustrated. disappointed. i realize that. and a lot of this is just the reflection of a bad mood stretching itself around the last couple weeks. and ive been upset before... but never this hollow.

im willing to admit im at my wit's end. and that im lost. and when you say that you "don't know what to say," i'll understand.

and to tell the truth, i'll probably escape the semester with great grades, i'll end up deciding on a major within the next couple months. and as always, things will unfold beautifully - and i'll write about how this was "such a great transition" and blah, blah. BLAH.

but, it's monday. this week is rough. and my philosophy TA pissed me off today. so, im bitchy.

and this world seems like it weighs too much on my shoulders.

so. just. deep. breaths.